Humour in the ring
 Mention
your dog (again) or an agility show (again) to your non-doggie friends and their eyes glaze
over as they stifle a yawn, Yes, folks, there are people out there who will appreciate your
agility sense humour. This page is a place where you can share your sense of humour with
like-minded people without fear of retribution or being forced to listen to those big
fish stories...again.
So if you see or hear something which
will tickle our funny bone, email it to:-
Agilitynet. For instance...
Agility Dogs are Smart But...
Discovered on a recent show schedule which shall
remain nameless...
Quote: 'Each dog entered in the Pairs
must have completed a signed entry form.'
Unquote: Obedience lessons with a
biro begin on Monday!
Crop Circles - The Mystery Solved
from Andy Farrington
 Contrary
to popular rumour and myth, crop circles are not caused by bored farmers out of their skulls on
home grown waccy baccy or aliens making a real mess of their landing spacecraft skills.
Crop circles are caused by hundreds and
hundreds of agility handlers walking around in circles on agility courses up and down the
country spending dozens and dozens of hours debating if "advanced handlers should be in or out
of intermediate classes" or "what type of fish (dead or alive) is best for training your dog
with" ...and it's puzzled people for ages. (24/07/02)
Nonsense...
Crop circles are caused by show secretaries running around in circles and pulling their hair
out whilst they try to sort out the people who haven't put their name on their camping form,
signed their entry, forgotten their dogs KC number, not signed the cheque, whilst answering the
mobile to the people who ring up to find out if their mates have entered, why they haven't got
a camping pass, their running orders (forgot to send the 30p), the directions to the show, and
if there will be clear round rosettes in mini starters jumping 'cause there wasn't at such and
such a show. Arrrrrrgggghhhhhh!
And if anyone says I have too much time on my hands I
know a man with a gun!
See you all Friday.
Anni (going demented) Telford
(25/07/02)
How To Recognise Dog Agility
People
 Dog
agility people are a special breed, not usually recognised by the KC.
-
They usually have crates in their living
rooms. They keep messy houses, but their kennels are spotless.
-
They can always find a show catalogue
within an arms reach.
-
And they have kids who know more about the
birds and the bees when they are five than most people know at 40.
-
Dog agility people will drive 100 miles,
spend £50 on petrol and £10 on meals to bring home a 25p rosette.
-
Dog agility people drive vans.
-
And they can never be reached on weekends,
unless you happen to be at the same show.
-
They have trouble getting to work on time
but can be at ringside by 8:00 am.
-
Dog agility people will give up a £150,000
home to move to a shack on 10 acres so they can have a £150,000 dog kennel.
-
Dog agility people have children who grow
up believing 'Bitch' is just another household word.
-
Dog agility people do not have gardens.
-
Dog agility people may pay the mortgage 10
days late BUT never miss a closing date for entries.
-
Dog agility people would rather be audited
by the Inland Revenue than investigated by the KC.
-
Dog agility people use dog food bags for
rubbish and rubbish bins for dog food.
-
Dog agility people talk on the phone for
hours to another dog person in a language known only to dog people.
Dog agility people have parents and family who think
they've lost their minds, neighbours who think they're strange and doggy friends who think
they're terrific!
* Adapted from an email from Shelley Grey
Good News Bad News
from Cindy Brick
 Jane
was an agility competitor. As the years progressed , she became more and more of a fanatic. One
day it occurred to her that Heaven might not have agility trials. She soon became obsessed with
this disturbing possibility. It began to interfere with her everyday life.
As a last resort , she went to a fortune
teller. The fortune teller asked her, 'Why have you come?' Jane blurted out, 'Ohh, I just have
to know, are there agility trials in Heaven?'
The fortune teller sighed and began to peer
into her crystal ball. Finally she said, 'I have good news and bad news.'
Jane could hardly contain herself. She said,
'Oh please tell me, are there agility trials in Heaven?'
The fortune teller nodded and said, 'Yes,
there are.'
Jane clapped her hands and began to cry with
relief. Then she stopped short and said, 'You said there was bad news, too. What is it?'
The fortune teller shrugged and said, 'You
are entered this Saturday!'
(16/07/01)
Picture: © Kennel Club Good Citizen Scheme
Photo: Ron Rawlingson
If Agility Dogs Were Like Cars...
from Tony Poole
If dogs were
like cars, I'd want my next model to...
- have a bigger engine
- get to top speed in less than 6 seconds
- be an automatic
- have cruise control
- be a stylish and sleek sporty model
- be cheap to run
- have an anti-slip braking system
- be responsive to my every move
Any other suggestions?
Overheard in the Ring...
Just thought we'd share an amusing moment with you
all from the Cornwall show.
Tony Griffin,
who was judging, gave his briefing for intermediate agility. Mainly the usual course time
standard rules stuff, but then Tony went on to inform us all that the schedules for the FCI
world champs were out and anyone
who's dog was vaccinated and microwaved was eligible to enter. Les Wills and I took one look at
each other to check we'd heard the same thing and then dissolved. Way to go Tony! Anni
Telford
Who Says the British Are Obsessed
by the Weather?
Submitted by Amanda Pigg
 Thank
you to Toni Mendham Dawkins for pointing out that, although everyone else may have thought that
the weather at Axstane this year was great (just about the hottest day of the year), there
certainly was a meteorological feel about the results of the Novice Jumping (Part 2) class.
1st - White LIGHTENING of Valgray with
Lisanne Steen
2nd - CLOUDY SKIES with Toni Mendham
3rd - STORME STORM with Sharon Rowe
Well, our weather may be unpredictable, but our agility
dogs are not! (29/12/00)
Putting Things in Perspective
As seen in the San Diego Union...
Do you want to know where the rest of the world places us agility people in the scheme of
things? Someone returning from an agility trial stopped to pick up an evening paper, and this
is what they saw in an article about conventions being held in San Diego.
Entitled 'Making A Connection,' the first paragraph began
as follows:- 'The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance met here last month. Then the
United States Dog Agility Association (USDAA) paid a visit, followed by the Golden State Gay
Rodeo Association last week. Next month, the Society of Government Service Urologist is holding
a conference in honour of etc. etc. and so forth... The upcoming year looks like another
bumper crop for conventions in San Diego. (02/10/00)
Isn't Spellchecker One-derful
from Bill Glover
There's an unfortunate (but amusing) typo in the report
on the Pedigree Irish Dog of
the Year that's currently up on Agilitynet. In the Judge's report section, it
refers to an "extremely fat dog" winning the jumping class. I assume this should be FAST and
not fat ??!!
Editor's note:
Apologies to Sam McCracken who, in fact, won the Jumping Class to become The Pedigree
Irish Dog of the Year 2000.
The World Gone Mad
from Karen Smith
Laura Bundy of Newton Abbot was stopped by Devon &
Cornwall police when they spotted her pet collie Bramble leaving the park with a stick it had
been playing with.
Police told Mrs Bundy she must return the stolen stick!
04/04/00)
 Happy
April Fools Day!
From The Bay Team
The Club with a Sense of Humour
When The Bay Team Trial at Cal State Hayward
fell on April Fools Day this year, you can image the competitor's surprise when they picked up
and started reading the show catalogue. It was truly 'one of a kind.'
Judges
The judges were Rose Bird, Sandra Day O'Conner and Ruth Ginsberg - all famous
female judges in USA High Courts. (Rose Bird put the death penalty in the headlines in
California 20 years ago, and the other two are currently presiding on the US Supreme Court.)
Classes
The classes were truly unique, including:-
- Elite Contact Vaulting
- Open Roulette
- Elite Gopher Lunch
- Open Canopy
- Novice Grass Grazing
- Elite Alzheimer's
- Elite Senior Moments
- Novice Brain Surgery
- Novice Go Fish
- Elite Novice (Cats, Squirrels)
- Novice Cribbage
- Elite Crate Assembly
- Open Eyes
- Open Wide
Which ring is running which jump heights:
BLUE is the Aeries/Taurus/Gemini/Cancer dog ring
YELLOW:
is the Leo/Virgo/Libra/Scorpio ring
ORANGE is the
Sagittarius/Capricorn/Aquarius/Pisces ring "
Needless to say, it
brought a smile and a chuckle to all. It was a wonderful reminder of the fact that we all
started this because it was FUN.
Weird things on the course... At
the Bay Team Labor Day Trial, a Golden Retriever (who shall remain nameless) fell in love with
Judge Kent Mahon's leg in the middle of running Advanced Snooker. The dog attached himself
tightly and would not let go. Accompanied by howls of competitor laughter, Kent finally dragged
him to the edge of the course.
The dog was given a rerun. <G>
An Agility Joke
Q. What do you get when
you cross a sheep with an agility dog?
A. A woolley jumper
Ha
ha
ha...
Out of the Mouths of Babes
from Bonnie Norris
 I
was explaining to a 11 year old junior today that she needed to drop her shoulder and turn her
neck while doing a blind cross NOT rotate her whole upper body. She was trying to run twisted
around and found herself tripping over her feet. Once she tried the drop shoulder method, she
executed the exercise much more smoothly.
Afterwards with a knit in her brow she said
very seriously that she was really glad she was learning Dog Agility because all the boys were
chasing her on the playground and she had to look over her shoulder to see if they were
'gaining.' She went on with a big smile to say that learning Dog Agility has made her one of
the girls that the boys can just never catch!
'Through the concrete tunnels, down the
slides, over the suspended bridges... now I can run the play ground in 3.5 yards per second!'
An added benefit of the sport of Dog Agility
I never thought of...
Barbie Agility Dogs
Source: The Internet
 At
long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls that agility people can relate to! Barbie and Lacey
make a perfect pair! Lacey has long silky hair just like Barbie. She comes with her own collar
and lead. For ages 3 years and over!
Agility Barbie:
Unlike most slim, attractive versions of Barbie, this Barbie is quite muscular from hauling
very heavy A-frames, seesaws, tunnels, and dogwalks. She can carry an A-frame panel with
one arm and set up all of the contact obstacles single handedly.
Barbie comes complete with a full set of
agility equipment, lawn chair, cooler, stopwatch, battery operated fans, an open-sided tent for
shade, sunscreen, bug-spray, rain suit, waterproof boots, 57 different agility rule books for
all occasions, and her very own courier (Ken) who can hand deliver agility entries to the most
popular trials and stand in the queue for Barbie.
Ken also helps set up the equipment. Barbie
also comes with her own agility dog, Border Collie 'ADCH, MACH, S-NATCH Runaround's Speed Demon
etc, etc, etc, 'Contact'. Trailer for hauling agility equipment sold separately.
For more Barbie Dogs, visit
Funny Bones
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